What is Death?

Hollywood Sucks
by Janeane, Victoria
Home Duties, Aged 31

I couldn't believe that it was my beautiful mother lying there in that hospital bed, gasping for air like a fish out of water. She was dying. The cancer that she had fought so bravely for over two years had finally reared its big ugly head for the last time and declared itself to be the winner.

Much of that weekend is a blur -- sitting by her hospital bed, listening to the laboured and rattling breathing, wishing at one moment that she would let go, wishing at the next that she would stay as long as possible. The worst bit was that right until the end, she was so obviously aware of what was happening to her.

When she finally took that last breath, she was surrounded by those that she loved and who loved her. My father, sisters and her closest friend were all there to say goodbye.

I remembered reading obituaries that say things like "surrounded by those that she loved" and thinking how peaceful that must have been for both the dying and those left behind. Wrong. It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Her face was sallow and a revolting yellow/grey colour. She had no hair. Her arms looked like skeletal remains off some ancient body dug up in Egypt. Her eyes were bulging with the pressure that the tumour on her brain had caused. She gasped every breath, and the final few breaths were silent - only her mouth was moving. My father was sitting next to her bed, holding her hand and crying his eyes out. Apart from the funeral six days later, that is the only time I have seen him cry. They were "first loves", married for 43 years.

The first thing that came into my mind immediately after she died was, in retrospect, sort of silly. I cursed every Hollywood director for letting me believe that death was a peaceful thing, that the dying just close their eyes and off they went, maybe after saying something quietly to those they love. Every person I rang to tell of my mother's passing had to endure my tale of "it's not like in the movies", and here I am doing it again. I just wanted everyone to know the truth of it all, and to warn them what to expect if they found themselves in this situation.

My mother believed that she was going to a better place, which has made it easier in some ways. I have moved on, and now remember her not as that dying being in the hospital bed, but as she was before she became ill. I know that if she was right in her beliefs of what was going to happen to her after she died, then I am constantly being watched over by my own personal angel. As are my siblings and especially my father.

Do I believe in euthanasia? I still don't know. Part of me wanted her to be out of the pain that she was in, part of me wanted her in this world for as long as she was meant to be.

I know one thing....Hollywood's portrayal of the 'peaceful' death really sucks.

Back to story list